Your existential horoscope: God damn, when was the last time you made a list?

I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.

Scorpio

Scorpio season is upon us at last. Does that scare you as much as it scares me? CHRIST. You guys are such beasts. Every last one of you. Please take it easy on the rest of us this year. Remember that we are WEAK and you are STRONG. We are made of human flesh and bone, while you are made of crushed up scorpions. We eat normal food such as toast, while you dine only on the blood of your enemies. We sleep in a standard issue bed, whereas it is doubtful if you ever sleep at all. You are like that bit in Dracula where Jonathan Harker looks out his window and Dracula is crawling down the wall like a LIZARD. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH. PLEASE take it easy on us. We are ready for you, but still.

Sagittarius

God damn, when was the last time you made a list? You have always been disorganised but this is truly next level. You need to get a whiteboard and many pens, and you need to pull yourself together. You need to paint the words “GET A GRIP, M8” on your ceiling. Stuff is happening very fast, and you are running with it like the young horse that you are, but I promise you things will be easier if you just make one or two lists. Also, you don’t have to run with literally everything. Even young horses have to say no, sometimes. Also, you need to eat more. Also, you should probably stop smoking. I heard it’s bad for you.

Capricorn

Ah, FINALLY. Things are looking tf up. The past few months have been, uh, Intense. They have been RADICAL. Some good stuff, but mostly pretty rubbish. People surprising you with their terribleness, their failure to conduct themselves like grown-ups. Put it behind you. You are going to get some of the fun and happiness that you so richly effing deserve. Because things have been so rough, you’re going to be suspicious of it at first. You’re not going to want to trust it, and that is understandable. Try, though. This is a nice thing that is happening, and it’s going to carry on being nice, and thank GOD for that.

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Aquarius

Do you know who Clever Hans is? Well, you should. Here is the opening sentence of his Wikipedia page: “Clever Hans (in Germander Kluge Hans) was an Orlov Trotter horse that was claimed to have been able to perform arithmetic and other intellectual tasks.” The second sentence is really good as well actually: “After a formal investigation in 1907, psychologist Oskar Pfungst demonstrated that the horse was not actually performing these mental tasks, but was watching the reactions of his human observers.” This month, you are Clever Hans. You’ll have no IDEA what you’re doing, like none at all, but you’ll be taking your cues from the people around you and it’s going to go very well. Basically no one except some buzzkill psychologist will be able to tell the difference.

Pisces

Do you know who Buddy the penguin is? Well, you should. In summary, Buddy is a penguin who got stolen from an aquarium by animal rights people and released into the sea. They thought they were doing him a good turn but really they were fucking him over completely, because Buddy was BORN in the aquarium and had never even seen the sea and certainly didn’t know how to catch fish or whatever, and the predictions as to the survival of Buddy in the wild are overwhelmingly negative. Also Buddy’s wife Frances is still in the aquarium, and penguins mate for life and she is probably SO SAD, and both the eggs she was sitting on have died. It’s just terrible. This month, you will feel a bit Buddy-ish. Someone is going to try to help you, and it’s going to go BADLY wrong. Be careful. Watch out for do-gooders. Stick close to the safety of your aquarium.

Aries

Sometimes I will look up the birthday of someone AMAZING who is also a complete savage, and honestly they turn out to be an Aries almost 100% of the time. How do you guys do it idk. For example, I just looked up the birthday of Secretariat aka the best horse in the world, and OBVIOUSLY Secretariat is an Aries. Just the fastest most powerful horse ever, and probably completely bonkers as well. Probably always biting the trainers and kicking the other horses to pieces. Winning all the races and having a giant heart. That is not a metaphor. His heart was just physically bigger than other horse’s hearts. I guess what I am saying is keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing, because it is WORKING.

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Taurus

Do you know who Alex the parrot is? Well, you should. Alex was this parrot who got bought at the shops by an animal psychologist and who then became the subject of a 37 year experiment. First of all, who knew that parrots lived until they were 37? Seems insane. Second of all, you are Alex the parrot this month. You are going to be under an INCREDIBLE amount of scrutiny, someone watching you all the time, reading deeply into your behaviours, making notes, drawing conclusions. You are going to feel WATCHED and OBSERVED and this is not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it necessarily a good one. It’s just how it is, this month.

Gemini

You are going to feel like a real weird creep this month. Not on the outside – you look fine. On the inside though, it’s just total creeper, like maybe you have claws for hands and maybe you are this scary terrible robot: Boston Dynamics Big Dog (new video March 2008) – YouTube. Everyone else is normal while you are just hunching around trying to keep your extra rows of teeth hidden. My friend Caitie and I have a word for this. The word is “gremlining” aka the state of feeling like a complete FREAK and trying to hide it and worrying that you are not really succeeding. You sort of aren’t. Sorry. It will pass soon.

Cancer

Oooooh, SHOWTIME. Oooooh, many chickens coming home to roost. Many things coming riding in like dat boi. O shit. Nah, kidding – it’s going to be great. Unconsciously or not, you have been preparing for this. You are so fully ready for what is going to happen next. You’ll look back on this month and see it for the turning point that it is. There is going to be a massive levelling up in one or more areas of your life, and that is just as it should be. You are READY. You should actually get a tattoo that says that. Just OK READY on your inner arm or something. You can just look down at it whenever you need and remind yourself that you are fully fully on top of things.

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Leo

Do you know who Elmyra is? Yes obviously you do. This month, you are Elmyra. Just HUGGING everyone and LOVING them and possibly squeezing them a bit to death. You can’t help it! You are just overpowered by love! Watch out though, because some people are not enrolled in the Elymra School of Love. Lots of people adore being showered with affection, but you get those rogue ones who hate it like crazy. So take it easy on them. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you back, or that you are doing anything wrong, but you just need to hit the brakes a bit, with some people. You can squeeze everyone else to DEATH and stare at them with hearts coming out your eyes.

Virgo

You know what is terrible is missing someone. It is the WORST. You are trying to have something resembling a good time, and there is just a person shaped hole right in the middle of the dinner table. It is so brutal, and I almost sort of don’t know what to tell you, except maybe wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just take our emotions and set them on fire. Just take them out to a field and burn them until there are only bits of metal remaining. It would be briefly nice, maybe. But we cannot do this, and so you just have to deal with it. You just have to sit and stare at the person shaped hole in the dinner table and that’s the deal for a bit.

Libra

You are going to be feeling very argumentative this month. Well, there is a lot to be pissed off about. There is a LOT. You are going to very uncharacteristically have something to say about ALL OF IT. Just enough now, with all this bullshit. Why everyone so STUPID and WORSE than you? Why EVERYONE telling you how to live and totally getting it wrong in every possible way? You are going to feel like Lucy from Peanuts this whole month. Well, GOOD. Lucy is a legend and she gets shit DONE and she hates everyone but she has that good blue dress on and those cool brown shoes and there are worse things in life than being Lucy from Peanuts for a small while.

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. Visit her website, or follow her on Twitter for completely savage RT’s.

Illustrations by Lauren Mitchell.

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