Your existential horoscope: Don’t worry if you are visibly high, this is your time

I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.

Pisces

You this month. Something about this goat reminds me of Rihanna, the High Queen of all Pisceans everywhere. I don’t know if it’s the stance or the general ‘fuck you’ attitude, or the fact that it seems to have deliberately pulled the hat over its eyes in order to avoid engagement with the boring old world. Unclear. Anyway, this is you, and this is your season. Do what you want, this month. You are the boss. Ignore everything that is boring and uncool. Wear extremely dark glasses in meetings. Don’t worry if you are visibly high. This is your time.

Aries

You this month. The problem with ruthlessly pursuing EVERYTHING is that you will sometimes actually get what you think you want. The next thing that happens is that you realise that you don’t want it. You chase after stuff because you think it’s a great idea, and then you are stuck with it. Take this as a lesson. Think carefully before you leap into hot pursuit of whatever bullshit crosses your field of vision. You don’t even like watermelon. Remember that it’s best to just leave some stuff alone.

Taurus

You. Wow, powerful. Everything about this tiger is you, this month. The confidence, the air of self-containment, the effortless ability to accessorise, the threatening energy.  You will feel this whole month that you are driving around in an armoured tank. You will roll over any and all obstructions in your path with all the arrogance of a tiger wearing a cap. What will you do with this strength and ability to intimidate? Maybe you should ask for a raise or tell your enemy why you don’t like them. Maybe you should force someone to buy you a present. I would never tell a tiger in a hat what to do, so the choice is yours.

Gemini

Here you are. I’ve had this picture on my desktop for over a year now, and it still makes me laugh like a young boy. Look at how angry and ferocious the otter is, and look at how it is bringing all its personality into this one act. All it is doing is eating and hating a piece of watermelon, but look at the intensity. We can all learn from this otter, and we can learn from you this month. Whatever you do, whether it is eating a piece of fruit or writing a novel, you will do it with absolute focus and concentration. You will think of nothing else, and you will achieve great things.

Cancer

An accurate picture of you today. Cancers have a reputation for being a bit clingy, and this is something that you generally embrace about yourself. Don’t forget that clinginess is one thing, and totally taking over is another. What I am saying is that you sometimes have absolutely no idea of the effect you have on other people. You think of yourself as a background person but you are NOT, and especially not this month. Cultivate self-awareness, and remember the space you take up in a room.

Leo

You this month. Aw. No one really makes a big deal of this, but Leos actually love to feel sorry for themselves. They turn feeling sorry for themselves into a large and expensive theatre production where they play all the parts. This month is different, though. You genuinely feel not too great, and a bit worried, and like the sad music from Peanuts is playing all the time. Aw. It’s ok, though, because you will always have someone to look out for you, and bring you a raincoat, and remind you that you are cute as anything.

Virgo

A surprising twist for you this month. Do you ever remember feeling this sassy or having this much fun? Zipping around and only sometimes remembering to worry about keys or laptops and so on. It’s like being on a ride, right? I am going to tell you a secret, which is that some people live like this all the time. There are people in this world who are continuously having the kind of fun that you are only just now getting into. Furthermore, they don’t feel guilty about it! Don’t go off-piste entirely, because we need you to keep things running smoothly, but remember this feeling.

Libra

Look here you are. All these birds are you this month. Proud, catered for, and deeply confused. What has led you to this place? Who is even flying this plane? I mean this more in the metaphorical sense, obviously, but you might be in an actual plane this month, and you might have no idea how even you got there. Mate, do not give it a second thought. You’re fine. You are where you are because you’re a legend. You’re a hawk flying first class. Do not question it for a minute longer.

Scorpio

You again. You’re so tired you have forgotten some key facts about yourself. Luckily I am here to remind you of them.

  1. Everyone is still extremely afraid of you.
  2. No one knows what you are thinking
  3. You absolutely love this about yourself.
  4. Might as well channel this power for good (or for evil, but I am not actively condoning this as an approach).

Remember all this. Even at your most tired and depleted, you remain a scary wolf with a hat on. Go give someone a huge fright. Enjoy yourself.

Sagittarius

You since you were born. You are going to be on particularly zesty form this month, chatting away and laughing a lot at your own jokes and opinions. This is your way and there is really nothing to be done about it. Looking ahead, though, you might want to experiment with being quiet from time to time. Consider cultivating an air of aloofness. You are a seal in a hat, and that is hilarious, but have you ever considered the benefits of silence? You would LOVE it if people referred to you as an enigma, right? You know you how achieve that? SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

 

Capricorn

Here, look at yourself. A champion and a prince. This cat was literally banned from the supermarket, but it did not stop him from doing what he needed to do, which is sit on top of the yoghurt aisle and stare unsmilingly at everyone like a gargoyle. This month, you are this cat. Not everyone likes what you are doing, perhaps, and maybe they will try to have you banned from the premises. No matter. Do not let the little people get in your way. Do what you need to do and if it freaks everyone out that means you are on the right track.

Aquarius

A portrait of you. Print this picture out and put it above your desk because it is you. So weird and fun and helpless to be anything but yourself. So utterly and completely at sea. We have spoken about this before, but the two main things about being an Aquarius are as follows:

  1. You don’t know exactly what you’re doing.
  2. It looks like you know exactly what you’re doing.

What a delightful set of contradictions you are. Who knew that a Koala could reverse so artfully in a jeep? Not you, that is for Damn Sure. Whatever. Carry on.

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. Visit her website, or follow her on Twitter for completely savage RT’s.

Illustrations by Lauren Mitchell.

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