WISHLIST: Funny Man Schalk Bezuidenhout

What do they call this time of year again? The silly season? Right, well local stand-up comic and all round funny guy, Schalk Bezuidenhout is here to remind us that sometimes our deepest yearnings and strongest desires don’t have to be material. In fact they don’t even have to be real—they could be a fictional, everlasting puppy.

For those of you who don’t know the moustached comedian, Schalk grew up in a small, conservative Afrikaans town in Johannesburg before studying drama at the University of Cape Town. Since then, he’s gone on to headline a number of shows around the country, win the 2015 SA Comic’s Choice Intermediate Comic Award, open for Trevor Noah, and even earn the title of iFix’s ‘Chief Emotional Officer’.  

It’s been a good year for Schalk, but he still has a few things on his wishlist. Read them below, maybe you’ll share a few of his wishes.

Schalk portrait

1 / A puppy. But don’t get me wrong. I don’t want a puppy that eventually grows up to be a dog. It must just be a puppy forever. So when someone figures out how to do that, call me. 

2 / A pair of sandals that doesn’t make me look like a German tourist.

3 / A proper moustache.

3.proper moustache

4 / White chocolate magnum.

They don’t make it anymore! Sure they have a white chocolate one with almonds in it. But who said I want almonds? I just want the plain white chocolate Magnum

5 / I want my first car.

I used to drive an old charcoal VW 1969 Beetle. It was the coolest car and suited me perfectly. But then it became super unreliable and it was never a guarantee if I would get from point A to point B. Now I drive a Toyota Auris, which doesn’t suit me at all. A Toyota Auris suits a middle class 35 year old divorced woman.

5.first car

6 / A 90s speedo.  

9. 90s speedo

7 / Do they make self-respect in medium?

8 / A little Christmas jersey for my eternal puppy.

8.christmas jersey puppy

9 / A hat that doesn’t make me look like a total douche bag.

non-douchy hat

10 / An FNB credit card.

Have you ever applied for a credit card at FNB? It’s more complicated than applying for an American green card! They require three months bank statements, an IRP5 form, your taxes as well as your parents’ and their parents’ and their parents’ parents’, your first tooth, reason for visit, and a copy of your credit card which you don’t yet have.

10.fnb credit card

Illustrations by Stephanie Simpson. Check out her Instagram here

Look out for more (serious) wishlists, starting tomorrow.

Between 10 and 5