30 Jun Your existential horoscope: You are going to look basically perfect all the time
I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.
It’s okay to like uncool stuff. I don’t mean cute, on-brand stuff, such as liking TV shows intended for little children or whatever. I mean profoundly, implicitly uncool stuff. This is a good month to embrace that aspect of yourself. You will feel so free! I will get you started by telling you that I still, here in 2016, think that Wayne’s World is one of the best movies ever – a flawless masterpiece. I watched it eight million times when I was a kid, and I wish I was watching it again right now. Do you think less of me, now that I have made this admission? Probably. Does it make you think about your own, loserish version of this confession? You know it does, and you must embrace it.
Be kind. You can be pretty scary, and you are sometimes, privately, proud of this. Don’t be – that’s weird of you. This is a good month for considering the effect you have on other people, and for trying to lighten your footprint a bit. Yes, you were put on this earth to save boring people from themselves. Yes, you are without peer as a dinner party guest. Chill out, though, pal. Remember that we are all in this together, and that making people feel okay about themselves is its own reward. You don’t always have to win. Be kind.
You will feel, this month, that you are always twenty minutes ahead of everyone else. You will figure out what needs to be done quicker, you will wrestle problems to the ground before other people have even noticed them, you will always know what to do with your hair. You are in a new, bright future, and it is twenty minutes from now. What is the weather like there? Has anyone invented anything good? Are people still so ridiculous about Game of Thrones spoilers? Why, though, when it’s such a silly show? You will have all the answers. You’ve always had a better grip on things than most of us, but this month is going to be out of control.
Remember “Resting Bitch Face”? This month, you will realise that you have the opposite of that. You have “Resting Incredibly Good Person Face”, otherwise known as the kind of face that makes people want to tell you all their heaviest secrets. You’ve always had it, but this month it will be extra intense – you are going to be burdened with everyone’s private angst, and the weight of it will make you lean your head against your car window as you drive. You should take this for the compliment that it is – you are good, and people can see that a mile away – but you should take measures to protect yourself as well. Bring headphones wherever you go. Hold a book in front of your sweet face.
An Egyptian goose once flew into the top of my brother’s car and ripped off one of his roof-racks. He was on the highway going to Muizenberg when it happened, and he says he heard a scary crunching noise upon collision. He pulled over to the side of the highway, certain that the goose was dead, and that he was going to have to do the terrible thing of putting it out of its misery. My brother is a really nice person. Anyway, the point of this story is that he looked for ages and ages, but he could not find the goose! It had smashed into his car, ripped off his very solid roof-rack, and flown away unscathed! This month, you are that goose. Something apparently catastrophic is going to happen, and you are going to get through it without a scratch. You will ascend into the morning air, my brother’s roof-rack between your claws (do geese have claws?), triumphant.
You have let your overall air of competency obscure the fact that you are often deeply, deeply confused. This is a good time to address that, a good month for speaking up when you don’t know how to do something. A whole lot of stuff, actually. You don’t know what lots of words mean (what are “vestments”, for example? Why did I spend a whole conversation pretending that I knew what vestments are, when in fact I do not? Are they something to do with a church? The best part is, I don’t even care enough to Google it.) You have just completely no idea how a car works, or how to fix anything, and that is okay! If you tell people that you are lost, they will help you. If you let down your guard, they will not attack.
One of my favourite things is when big dogs don’t know what size they are. They try and squeeze between two chairs, say, or wriggle underneath a bed, and they are stunned and horrified when they figure out that they are not going to fit. How could this be¸ they say to themselves. I am but a small, petite dog! Of course I will fit! This month, you are one of those dogs. You’ll be taking up a lot more space than you believe you do, knocking stuff over and effing things up. It’s okay though, because you are also very lovely and charming (as all the best big dogs are), and everyone will forgive you straight away.
You are going to feel massively under-appreciated this month, and you are right to feel this way, because the truth is that no one gives a shit about you. JOKING. The truth is that people can be kind of rubbish, and that this month they will simply refuse to give you the credit that you are due. Boooooo. It’s okay, though. You and I both know that you are keeping this entire show on the road, and that one day this fact will be recognised. Maybe there will be some kind of parade for you, or at least a ceremony where a man hands over one of those giant cheques, and you grip the cheque under your one arm as you look into the camera and smile.
You are going to absolutely nail your aesthetic this month. I am so excited for you! You’ve been heading in this direction for a while, now, but this is the month that it all comes together. Yay, man. You are going to look basically perfect all the time. But not too perfect, you know? Not so where you look too seamless and creepy, or like a robot or anything. Your hair is still going to give you a fair bit of trouble. You actually do have a bit of a weird butt. These things will not change. But overall? The whole impression that you will give as you enter a room? Excellent. 10/10. Where even did you get that jersey? What a total babe you are.
The worst is when you are standing in a queue at the bank, and the person behind you, for whatever reason, is ignoring your increasingly physical defence of your personal space. This person is coming like RIGHT up close behind you, maybe even breathing on your neck, and you are doing a lot of theatrical sighing and digging your pointy elbows into their chest, but the person doesn’t care. It’s giving me the creeps just thinking about it, so it’s lucky I am not you, because your whole month is going to be like this – people getting right up into your face and not understanding that you want them to go away. It will feel as if the world is closing in on you from all sides, like you cannot breathe at all. DO NOT PANIC. You are perfectly capable of asserting yourself. Elbow that guy in the head, and you’ll be fine.
You know how you don’t believe in ghosts? You know how this is one of the key facts of your personality, the way you categorically do not believe in ghosts? Oh, man. This month is going to be so hectic. I sort of almost don’t want to say anything, because it will ruin the surprise, but let’s just say that your whole “ghosts are fake” thing is going to take a real beating. Don’t be scared, though, or try and fight against the inevitable. This is going to happen, and it’s going to be great.
You are going to be irresistibly drawn to someone who, by rights, should totally gross you out. Maybe they have messed-up personal hygiene, maybe they complain incessantly about random bullshit, maybe they like your worst movie too much. You will recognise this about them, but it will not prevent you from crushing on them so hard. You are going to do a serious deep dive into their Instagram, and everything you see will repel you, but still. Still you will continue to crush on them with your whole heart. It’s pretty sweet, actually. You guys are going to have the weirdest babies.