Your existential horoscope: A number of things will click into place

I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.


I was walking to the library the other day and there was this MASSIVE cat walking next to me. I can’t overemphasise how big it was. We were having a great time walking next to each other, and then I suddenly started to worry about it. Is this cat lost, or is it having an adventure? Is this cat happy or sad? Why is its tail so big and dragging on the ground like that? Why does it look like its wearing giant fluffy boots? Is this cat a he or a she, even? Do I need to phone someone about this cat? Who? DUNNO. This month will have that same sort of quality, for you. You will be unable to find straightforward answers to apparently simple questions, and it will bother you, because you are a person who likes clarity. Does the cat need help, or is it fine on its own? NO IDEA.


You are going to become inexplicably fixated on Amy Winehouse this month. Yes. AMY. She was so amazing, actually, and that husband of hers was such a bastard. BLAKE. Just terrible, with a voice like an actual demon. Poor Amy. You’ll think about her a lot, and about how talent is sometimes a curse, and about how bizarrely unfair the world can be, in general. Not to say that the death of Amy Winehouse is the saddest thing to ever happen, but it is certainly not great. Luck is unevenly distributed, and maybe that doesn’t bear thinking about too much. Nevertheless, it will be on your mind. Sorry.


You are going to be presented with some new and startling information this month, and you are going to need to absorb it very fast. It is going to come out of nowhere. Example: for the last week or so, there has been a large plastic bag full of chicken feet lying on a street near where I live. Just chilling there. Every time I walk past it I think Is this a thing? Do huge gnarly bags of feet just get left on the road? I have been forced to conclude that the answer is yes. It’s a thing. You are going to have to do the same, this month. Embrace the new. I promise you that it’s a thing.


You know that you’re affected by your surroundings, right? You know that no man is an island etc? The crazy thing is, you accept this in theory, but really deep down you are unable to internalise it. Deep down in your brain you feel as if you are fundamentally apart, an entirely self-contained being, the loneliest scorpion to ever exist. Oh, matey. It’s not true. You are mega weird, and that’s wonderful, but also you are just normal. You are just an ordinary scorpion in this world, putting on your little scorpion shoes and eating your scorpion breakfast. Check out all the other scorpions waving to you as you walk to work. Cute! It’s not so bad.


Get some sleep, pal. You are not too hot at looking after yourself, and the whole idea of “self-care” seems a bit beside the point, no? You feel that life is there to be lived! Look after yourself when you’re dead! Yes, okay, great, but still. Get some sleep. Eat an apple, or something. Talk to someone boring but kind. Take some deep breaths. Life will still be there when you get back, and it will still be so fun, but you need to step off this particular carousel for a minute or two. Stand back and watch those horses go round and round without you. Eat your apple. Get some sleep.


You are going to feel so old this month, but in a good way, like a beautiful ancient unicorn. Maybe some type of immortal owl. You will look at other people being all sassy and show-offy and talking in a loud voice about NOTHING, and you will not even be irritated. You will forgive them at once, because their souls are young and unformed, whereas yours is older than the sun. You don’t have to necessarily do anything with this feeling. Just enjoy it. Just go through your life radiating your antique wisdom at people, and wave as they move towards your light.


Remember that movie Blue Valentine? Oh God. There is that AWFUL bit where Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are having this protracted disaster of an argument, both of them just whipping out the nastiest weapons they have and using them on each other. It is horrible to watch. They are both going absolutely to town on each other, and then at one point Ryan Gosling says something like “Please stop” and Michelle Williams just says “I can’t.” Remember that bit? Can we agree that it is a good depiction of one of the worst feelings in the world? This month, you will find yourself staring down the barrel of one of those kinds of fights. Don’t do it. Back the hell away. Those kinds of fights are never worth it, but this one will be especially bad. Don’t do it.


You are a grown-up and there is no getting away from that. Fuuuuuuuck. This month will make it especially clear. You will find yourself in several situations where you’ll be looking around going Who is the adult in charge here? Who tf is flying this plane? It’s you! No getting away from it. If this freaks you out, that’s okay. You are 100% allowed to go home and do deep panicked breaths into a paper bag, or else maybe do a bit of shouting into a cushion. That’s permitted. You probably won’t, though, because you are a grown-up now. What a downer. Luckily, you are still looking amazing. As discussed last month, your aesthetic is just massively on-point, and will remain so.


You are going to be weirded out by just about everything. Just all things. This is actually a gift, and you must treat it as such. If I was in a certain kind of mood, I would say that the ability to uncover strangeness in normal life is a necessary precondition for the making of Good Art. I won’t say that, though, because I am a bit scared of you and I don’t want you to think I am a nerd. The point is, being weirded out by ordinary things is fun. The world is a very strange place, and people get up to all kinds of odd shit, and this is your month for really taking that in. You should write some of it down, at least.


You have nerves of steel and it drives everyone else MAD. This is not even a prediction. I’m just letting you know that we are all out of our minds with jealousy, over here. Please tell us your secrets. Please also do us all the courtesy of taking advantage of it. If we were as brave as you, we’d be out chopping down trees and jumping off cliffs into rivers and, I don’t know, telling other people how we feel. We are cowardly, though, and we can’t do it, so you have to. We are watching you with great envy and admiration.


You are going to experience a quite harrowing moment of clarity, this month. A number of things will click into place. You know that feeling, when you are talking to someone and you can’t figure out why they are so intense and why they seem to be loving on you so hard, all squeezing your arms and saying their feelings, and then you suddenly go oh right, it’s because they are on drugs. Maybe you don’t know that exact feeling, but you get the general idea. This whole month will be like that. The picture will slide alarmingly into focus and a whole new set of problems and solutions will present themselves to you.


You don’t need to go to the dentist. Your car is fine. Your cat is in perfectly good health. That weird noise your computer is making is just its way of saying hi. EVERYTHING IS OK, so stop worrying for just literally two seconds. Even if some stuff is heading down the tubes, your worrying about it will not change a thing. Your friends are not angry with you. Stop staring at your plants so much – they are okay. It’s raining outside, but this month you are one of the few people who will remain totally dry. You don’t even need a raincoat.

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. Visit her website, or follow her on Twitter for completely savage RT’s.

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