Your existential horoscope: Have you considered starting a cult?

I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.


You need something to look after. Maybe a little kitten? It could be stripy and orange, and you could call it Whistle. If you are not ready for a kitten, then maybe a fish? Goldfish are massively underrated as pets. If a fish seems like too much of a hassle, then get yourself a plant that requires a lot of care and attention. You love taking responsibility for stuff. It’s one of the best things about you. Get yourself a little cat called Whistle, look after it real nicely, and marvel at how happy this makes you.


Aim big, this month. Take inspiration from Simone Biles. Who is more amazing than Simone Biles? Who is having a sicker time? NO ONE, that’s who. Look at her, just having the actual time of her life, and trying so hard and being so good. Learn from her. Take your ambitions, and double them. Triple them! Try HARD. Try HARDER. All kinds of amazing things could happen. You could end up in the Olympics, wearing a shiny shiny leotard and grinning your head off. Try HARD.


You are going to keep bumping into someone you hate, this month. Your number one enemy. Why are they ALWAYS AROUND, suddenly? What is this about? It’s going to piss you off so hard, because this is not one of those things that you can just ignore. You are going to need to find a way of dealing with this. Merely refusing to speak to them is not enough. Consider investing in some armour. Maybe a small Taser, or at least one of those air horns. You need to defend yourself.

Existential horoscope - Virgo (3)


You are a natural sidekick. It has always been this way. You are very independent, a free bird without parallel, but you are also a great wingman. It’s possible for these two qualities to co-exist, but this month will be a bit of a test. Some people find this very easy. Unfortunately, you are not one of them. Wingman or free bird? Woodstock or Snoopy? You need balance, which is tricky, because you are extremely uncoordinated. It’ll be okay, though. Think of it as a learning experience.


Someone this month is going to try very very hard to make you care about something that you absolutely do not give a shit about. It will be like when my friend Jason tried to make me read science fiction. He kept going on and on about this one book, and I tried so hard to care, but it was no good. I could not get invested, no matter what I did. That’s what this month will be like, for you. Someone is going to try force you to take an interest in some RANDOM NONSENSE, and you are going to find it very fatiguing indeed. It will pass.


You know who was an Aquarius? RASPUTIN. How do you like them apples? A lot, I bet. You know who else? OPRAH. Also Angela Davis, Anna Pavlova, Ayn Rand, and Abraham Lincoln. BRITTANY MURPHY. God, Aquariuses are the best. You are all such absolute FREAKS. Have you considered starting a cult? A nice one, obviously. Maybe on an island, where you and your followers can just wear crowns and drink a lot of watermelon juice. I would definitely join.

Existential horoscope - Virgo (1)


You are going to feel an overwhelming urge to heckle people. GO FOR IT. You are so lovely and sensitive most of the time, but you are going to feel like a real troll this entire month. You know like those two old guys in The Muppet Show? Those two legends who just sit in their balcony seats booing absolutely everyone? That’s you, this month. You’ll have this villainous air about you, like a little cartoon baddie, and all you will want to do is mess with people. What has come over you? All I can say is: run with it. You will go back to your old self soon, but seriously: go for it. Heckle away.


You know who was an Aries? Bunny Wailer. Basically the most amazing person to have ever lived. A SOLDIER. Just so tough and so strange, and saying cool things literally all day. Look at this video: Read this profile: Learn from Bunny. Remember that you too are tough and strange, a total soldier. Don’t let anyone mess with you.


You need nature, my friend. You need to go outside. You will be truly startled by the effect it will have on you. You’ve been working very hard, and you haven’t even noticed how tense you are. Go outside and do some deep breathing. Climb a hill, or something. Swim in a lake. Trees are really great, and so is the ocean. Being outside is just all round good for you. Also, climate change is real, and we are all fucked, so enjoy it while you can.

Existential horoscope - Virgo (2)


I once got absolutely owned by a break-up. Just sad. Just a terrible hollow shell of a person, too bummed out to even chew my food properly. It went on like this for a few weeks and then I woke up one day and went I know exactly what I need to do. What I needed to do, I realised, is watch that bit in The Jungle Book where the vultures sing to Mowgli: It’s the best. Sher Kahn is in there and everything. It made me feel 50 times better immediately. I don’t know why, but it did. I am offering this to you now because you are going to need it. You’re going to feel epically sad, this month, but I promise you the vultures will help.


Why you being so self-denying? Why you holding back like this? There is the possibility of pleasure and fun being waved right in front of you, so TAKE IT, for God’s sake. If you do not, you will regret it. You will look back on this period of your life and think Shit, what was wrong with me? Masterful self-control is all very well, but it is not what you need, right now. What you need right now is to have a HUGE drink. What you need right now is f-u-n. I promise it’s right there. Take it.


Your friends are going to come through for you in a major way, this month. What have you done to deserve them? Jokes, you are the best, and they love you so hard. Be grateful for them. Buy them some flowers. Take them to the movies. A problem you sometimes have is that you get a wrapped up in yourself, and sometimes you can be a little bit too much the star of your own movie. A good way of mitigating this is to pay attention to your friends. They are really wonderful. Be grateful for them.

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. Visit her website, or follow her on Twitter for completely savage RT’s.

Illustrations by Lauren Mitchell.

Between 10 and 5