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Your existential horoscope: There is something very weird going on

I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.

Libra

TV was so shitty when I was little. Seriously it was BAD. The main thing was ALF. ALF. What is more rubbish than ALF? What is more of a terrible and stupid idea than the TV show ALF, where it’s a loser alien puppet and his loser family? I am getting all hot just thinking about it. I am also getting irritated thinking about how some people remember it fondly. They think everything was better when they were small, and they are so, so, so wrong about that. Everything was the worst. ALF was there. The point is, nostalgia is for the weak. The future is what counts. Keep that in mind, this month, and never look back.

Scorpio

Is it time for a career change? No? Then why are you thinking about it so much? Why are you sitting at your desk in your boring-ass office and wondering if, I don’t know, it would be fun to be a zookeeper? Wouldn’t it maybe be fun to look after Egyptian Geese for a living? Egyptian Geese are so cool. What about a beekeeper? You can wear that good Hazmat-looking suit, and just hang out with the bees all day. I heard they are very smart. OR you could become a day trader! I have no real idea what that involves, but it sounds very intense and you will probably make a lot of money. I’m not saying quit your job right now. I’m just saying think about it. Think real hard. Egyptian Geese are AMAZING.

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Sagittarius

It’s fine to admit that you don’t care about stuff. A pal of mine, for example, told me the other day that he doesn’t care AT ALL about the flowers in Namaqualand, and that he thinks they are “the worst thing in South Africa”. I could tell he felt great about saying it. You should try it! Here, for example, is a partial list of things I don’t care about AT ALL: Edward Snowden, Marilyn Monroe, all kinds of car racing, Mother Theresa, discussions about whether the internet is ruining our lives, aliens, bubble tea, vaping, and the 50s. Just don’t care. Just can’t. It is very soothing to admit it, and you should do the same.

Capricorn

You know what’s good about this world? It’s the fact that we are all freaked out and terrified all the time, but we manage (mostly) to conceal this. There is just total CHAOS happening in all of our heads, and we pull off the stunning trick of looking normal. This is a miracle. We all deserve a medal. What I am saying is: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Next time you feel like you are the only one who is literally dying of confusion and/or fear, keep in mind that we all are. We are all scared to death, and we are all working mega hard to look normal. It’s fine.

Aquarius

We don’t talk enough about peacocks, I feel like. What is more radical and outrageous to look at than a peacock? Their feathers! Their tiny heads that have a sort of a crown on! Peacocks! Fuck! I also feel like we don’t talk enough about Nas anymore, or about the Beastie Boys, or about this incredible parallel park I did last weekend. Not saying it was as amazing as peacocks, but it nearly was. This month, the weird glory of this world will be revealed to you. You will walk around just BLOWN AWAY by everything. Just LOVING IT. Just standing there with your hand over your mouth, looking at a picture of a giraffe. Enjoy.

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Pisces

You are going to be confronted with a mystery this month. Like a proper WTF situation. Maybe it is someone you know losing their mind on social media, or maybe it is something more radical than that. Whatever it is, you will be sincerely surprised. Because you are normally chilled about letting stuff go, your instinctive response will be to just write it off as an unsolvable puzzle. No. Your instincts in this case are wrong. Pursue this. There is some weird shit afoot, and it is going to be up to you to figure it out. You are going to need to ask MANY questions, and people will try and evade them, but keep at it. There is something very weird going on.

Aries

My friend Alex told me this story about his cat who is called Caspian and who is extremely Intense. Like a witch’s cat from a movie. One day, Alex had to take Caspian to the vet. I hope it goes without saying that Caspian is not the kind of cat who you can just take to the vet no problemo. You must be prepared. So Alex borrows this cardboard cat container (which has little holes in it), puts the cat in, and off they go. CUT TO Caspian freaking right out. He puts his paws through one of the little holes and just starts pulling VIOLENTLY. By the time they got to the vet, Alex says, Caspian could put his entire HEAD through the hole. Sitting there with flattened ears, all hissy and glarey. This month, you are Caspian. Someone is going to try put you in a box. They’re gonna try to control you, and you are going to FIGHT. You are going to TRIUMPH. You are going to sit there with your ears flattened, hissing and glaring at the world like the legend that you are.

Taurus

You should throw a party. I had a dream the other night that I was at a pool party, and it was so much fun, and there were all these different pools, and all my friends were there, and it was just the best. You sometimes get a bit nervous before you have to throw a party, but I am here to tell you that you should put that anxiety aside. If you throw a party this month, it will go down as one of the all time greats. It will be like the beginning of 24 Hour Party People. Incidentally, you should watch that movie again, because it is hilarious and cool.

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Gemini

Oh God, MONEY. Hnnnnnnnnnng. FFS FFS FFFS. Why why why why why why why. Sorry to do this, but you are going to have to think about money even more than usual, this month. It’s just appalling. What kind of war criminal led us to believe that being an adult was anything other than a total las from dawn to dusk? It’s just the effing worst and I am very sorry. You’re going to have to think about money about eight hundred more times than you would like to, and you are going to have to have terrible boring conversations about it, and WORRY, and look at BANK STATEMENTS and oh God. Life. MONEY. Sorry.

Cancer

THIS MONTH. This is going to be good. Think of all the l’esprit de l’escalier moments in your life, all the times that you thought of the right thing to say or do MANY HOURS after the opportunity had passed to say or do them. Think of all the times you’ve been wearing the wrong shirt when you see your ex-girlfriend, all the times you’ve effed up a parallel park in front of a crowded bar, all the times you introduced yourself to someone by saying their name instead of your name (I have done this). This month, it will have all been worth it. There will be a moment, perhaps more than one, where it will be as if a cast has assembled to make you look cool. It will be a perfectly synchronised dance. It will be like a TV show called “This person is amazing and we can all see that very clearly.” Yessssssssssssss. All your loser-ish moments, erased as if they had never existed. 

Leo

Be demanding, this month. Expect everything, and ask for more. Force people to go get you a Diet Coke. Look your friends in the eye and say “Get me a soda”. Sometimes you won’t get a soda, but other times you will. Sometimes you won’t get a giant sack of gold coins, or your own horse, or a swimming pool, but other times you will. Sometimes people will look at you funny when you march up to them and say “Please can I have that jacket you are wearing I really like it.” Other times, they will smile and shrug the jacket off their shoulders. They will hand it over. You’ll never know unless you ask.

Virgo

Do you ever worry that you are like AMAZINGLY good at something, but you just haven’t found out what it is yet? Like maybe you are incredible at the trumpet, but you have never actually had one in your hands, so you just don’t know? What if there is a concert-level trumpet player waiting inside you, and you are not giving them the opportunity to shine? It’s time to take up some new hobbies, is what I am trying to tell you. Just experiment. Pick a bunch of new activities, and try them all on for size. Check this kid. Imagine if she had never started! She would just be a normal kid! It’s not too late for you to become that kid, is what I am trying to tell you.

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. Visit her website, or follow her on Twitter for completely savage RT’s.

Illustrations by Lauren Mitchell.



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