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Your existential horoscope: Lololololol you are not fooling anyone

I know astrology isn’t real, but I love it anyway. Think of these as existential horoscopes, or else the end result of me reading Susan Miller until my eyes start hurting. Don’t @ me about how astrology is stupid OR to tell me that I am showing insufficient reverence for a great and mystical tradition. I already know both those things. I am holding those contradictory truths in my mind, and I’m not even a Gemini.

Aries

We are all familiar with the antics of Marion Kelly and her small brother, those two children who crashed their dad’s BBC interview. We have all watched the video. Well, watch it again, because this month YOU are Marion Kelly. Barging in where you are not expected, elbows out, causing all kinds of commotion. It is, after all, your season, and there is nothing quite like an Aries at full throttle. You should prepare everyone for your impact this month. Carry a sign that says WATCH OUT EVERYONE HERE I COME. Wear a lot of bright yellow. Put a siren on your car. At least give everyone a chance to brace themselves.

Taurus

Summer is officially over thank GOD. All that relentless socialising, all those dinners and trips to the goddamn beach. You don’t even like the beach, but you did a good job of pretending you were having the time of your life. Now you can relax, though. It’s autumn, so we can all go inside. Celebrate your new freedom by buying some extremely ugly but very comfortable jeans. They will not be the kind of jeans you can wear in public. No sir. They will be your home jeans, and you will wear them a lot over the next month, and you will be happy. Sitting around in your home jeans eating toast in peace. Heaven.

Gemini

Donald Trump is a Gemini, it’s true. That is your extremely hectic cross to bear. People give Geminis enough shit as it is. You guys need a brand overhaul, and you can start on that by performing some good deeds this month. Phone your gran. Water your neighbour’s plants while they are away. Listen patiently to the most boring story you have ever heard. Do not judge someone when they continually mispronounce a very easy-to-say word. Do not recoil from the smiles of unattractive people. Read uplifting poetry. Reflect on the crimes of your past. Remind your friends and family that Geminis are people too.

Cancer

You will be plagued by financial anxiety this month. What an absolute and pure las. You’re going to have to turn being broke into a game. I have done this many times, so I feel especially equipped to give you some tips. One thing you can do is see how long you can survive only on toast. I can assure you that it’s quite long. Another thing you can do is look behind your sofa for coins. Hooray! You found like R8! Do not spend it all at once. A third thing you can do is not spend all your money on going out, which is how you got in this position in the first place. Admit it. Learn from your ridiculous mistakes.

Leo

You this month. All these hilarious whip cracking children are you. Check you out, doing a frankly bizarre thing and confidently anticipating that everyone is going to applaud and love you for it. The best part is, you are right. Yessssss. Everyone IS going to love you for it. They will shake their heads and go Well I cannot say I understand what the fuck they are up to, but I like it nonetheless. I find myself unable to tear my eyes away. I can only imagine what it would be like to be blessed with such an abundance of confidence. Bet you it’s the best. You’ve been a bit out of sorts lately, but it seems that you are back on form. Good.  

Virgo

Here is the surprisingly poetic Wikipedia entry on riptides:  “A rip is a strong, localized, and narrow current of water which moves directly away from the shore, cutting through the lines of breaking waves like a river running out to sea, and is strongest near the surface of the water.” The thing about riptides is you can’t fight against them. If you get caught in one, you just have to go with it. Swimming against the current will not work. Panicking will not work either. You see where I am going with this, I hope. You are caught in the strongest current imaginable, right now, and there is honestly no point fighting it. You just have to see where it takes you.

Libra

What is more terrible than being in love? Nothing. What is more debilitating than crushing on someone so hard you cannot even remember how to drive? You can’t dress yourself properly. You open your mouth to say Yes thank you I WOULD like a soda, but instead you just say the name of the person you are in love with. You write their name on your arm. You tattoo their date of birth on your wrist. You go to the shops and buy only red things because that is the colour of their hair. It’s terrible. It is also, however, the reason our species continues to thrive. Furthermore, it is the best. Be happy. 

Scorpio

Lololololol you are not fooling anyone. Ahahaha. That is literally all I have to say to you this month, you freak.

Sagittarius

You are going to get the most irritating song in the world stuck in your head. Oh noooooooo. Maybe it will be this one. Oh  nooooooooooooooooo. Maybe it will be the song ‘Funkytown’, truly one of the worst songs in the world, a nightmare, a letter sent from Hell itself. Maybe it will be the end bit of “Funkytown” specifically, where the woman is just going off, screaming FUNKYTOWN over and over and over and over like a demon. What is the exact location of Funkytown? You are going to have to find out, because you are going to need to take that woman there otherwise she will not stop fucking saying FUNKYTOWN over and over and over and over and over. She REALLY wants you to take her there.

Capricorn

Listen to new music this month. Wear a colour you believe you hate. Your entire wardrobe is navy now, have you even noticed that? Are you aware that you have been wearing the same perfume for TEN YEARS now? Are you aware that your playlists have not been updated since early 2015. You have always been very keen on stability and routine, but this is silly. Go buy something that is an actual colour. Wear a shirt with words on it. Read a book about rainforests or space or Siberia or the exhausting lives of deep sea fishermen. You can change. I believe in you. 

Aquarius

You have long harboured fantasies about just skipping town completely. The scary thing is, you could do it. You could just pack up quietly in the night and leave, and you wouldn’t even feel very guilty. This month, the urge will be especially strong. All signs will point towards the exit. You will find yourself wondering what it would be like to be a shepherd in a tiny village in the Balkans. You will google “Can a person live on a submarine alone and is that ok”. The answer is no. You cannot just leave. Maybe later. But for now you must stay.

Pisces

While many are relieved that summer is finally over, thank JESUS, you are sad. You have been having just the most uproariously good time lately. Your hair looks amazing. Your jokes have been fun. You have not fallen over in public in a long time. Everyone really loved your story about being bitten by a lot of mosquitoes on that one holiday. Still. Summer is over, and now you must chill out. Do not despair. Autumn is also good. The light is very nice, and it is the best time of year for falling in love. Who knows what will happen? 

Rosa Lyster is a writer living in Cape Town. Visit her website, or follow her on Twitter for completely savage RT’s.

Illustrations by Lauren Mitchell.

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