Your existential horoscope: sometimes just ask the questions


A month for asking questions. You know how little kids ask questions like, “But WHY is it night-time,” and “But HOW COME it’s not my birthday,” once a week at least. At some point they stop asking these questions because the answer is always some version of, “Just BECAUSE, ok!” You must revive the traditions of your childhood this month. Ask questions that no one asks anymore, like, “WHY are you so annoying?” and “WHAT is late-stage capitalism?” and “WHO died and put you in charge?” Those kinds of questions. You might not get the answers you crave but just asking the questions will make you feel good.


There is a great Ron Padgett poem called How to Be Perfect. He gives a lot of sterling advice – “Hope for everything. Expect nothing. Look at that bird over there.” The best bit of advice though, I think, and the one which applies most to you this month is, “Imagine what you would like to see happen and then don’t do anything to make it impossible.” This sounds obvious, no? It is obvious but then why is it so hard? Why is self-sabotage so insanely easy? I don’t know, but every time you feel yourself heading in that direction this month, read the Padgett poem, especially those lines. It will help, I promise.


There are some jobs that you just cannot do. It might be that you don’t have the time, or it might be that you are just not very good at them. I am bad at any number of jobs and I cheerfully admit to this because I am a Sagittarius and thus way too relaxed about my own flaws and shortcomings. Virgos are different. You work hard and you take responsibility for everything. It just eats you up if there is something you cannot do. This month is a time for realising that it is actually ok. You can’t do everything and you shouldn’t even try. Resign from certain responsibilities. You will be much happier for it.


You will be uncharacteristically overwhelmed by jealousy. You will be jealous of everyone your partner or crush speaks to. You will be jealous of their phone and the chair they’re sitting on. You will be jealous of literally everyone else’s life and of how cute their pets are. Their dogs’ coats are so long and shiny and you don’t even have a dog. Where is the justice? Nowhere. This is all very off-brand but maybe you should take it as some kind of sign. Maybe you should get a dog or a different kind of office chair. Take steps to improve your life. Jealousy is bad and corrosive but it does have its occasional uses.


You feel deep down that no one really understands you. To some extent, this is true. You are awfully inscrutable in many ways and you cultivate this opacity. Despite your efforts however, a few key facts about Scorpios have been leaked. The Scorpio PR team has been working day and night to suppress the leaks but they are out there now. We all know that you are not so scary, really. We all know that you are actually very nice to your mom, kind to animals and that you cried during the trailer of Baywatch because it made you remember your youth. We all know now. The truth is out.


You will find yourself at a loss for words this month. Your usual endless supply of sassy remarks will desert you for the time being. This is going to be very hard for you so I suggest that you find other ways to express yourself. For example, if you are in a terrible mood but lack the words to say so, you could go to work dressed as a spider. If you are feeling even more party-ready than usual, you can go to the park dressed as a disco ball. You can knit yourself a jumper with complicated faces on it. You can scribble rude signs in hotel bathrooms. Your words will come back but find other avenues for your feelings this month.


You struggle with the beginnings of relationships. You like to know where you stand and you are a keen admirer of stability. You hate having crushes on people, in a way, because it takes up so much of your time and you are just as susceptible to going fully demented with love as the rest of us. You like to be in control and you feel a tiny bit like being insanely in love doesn’t suit you. It does. Capricorns in love are very adorable indeed. Allow yourself to behave like a complete embarrassing freak around whoever it is that you are crushing on. They will find it endearing.


People who just ‘pop in’ should be arrested. People who ring your doorbell because they are just ‘in the neighbourhood’ should be shot out of a cannon. It should be a war crime. I am just stating this upfront because firstly, this whole month is going to be PEOPLE JUST POPPING IN TO SAY HI WHEN THEY ARE NOT INVITED and secondly, it is going to drive you even more bonkers than it usually does. What happened to boundaries? What happened to a person’s home being their castle? People will sit down at your table to say hi and they will not get back up again and say bye! They will not leave! The worst part is, you can’t have them arrested or anything. You just have to smile. I’m so sorry.


A month for making long-overdue apologies and for being forgiven. My university library used to do this thing where for one week of the year, you could hand in all your overdue books and your fines would be expunged. This month will be like that for you. There are some phone calls you have been avoiding for a long time and some very awkward sorries that need to be said. This is the month for dragging them all out into the open. You have done some fairly uncool stuff in your time but it’s not that bad. It’s worse in your head. It will be better when you say sorry. All will be forgiven.


I have only this to say to you: just because you CAN, it does not mean that you SHOULD. I am saying this for your benefit as much as everyone else’s. Deep down, you find winning a little bit boring. The fun part for you is the scheming, the drawing up of complex spider diagrams which contemplate the destruction of your enemies. The winning itself is almost beside the point. This month will be full of easy opportunities to win, but you do not need to take them all. Restrain yourself and concentrate on the next set of schemes.


Banish self-doubt this month. Just demolish it. You are doing fine. And the truth is, even if you weren’t doing fine, you would still be doing way better than like half the people around you. If 2017 has taught us anything, thus far, it is that no one really knows what is going on. There are people in high office who know much, much, much less about what is going on than you do. There are elected leaders who shouldn’t be allowed to use a cellphone. You’re fine! You are capable of going on social media without incident and you have friends who admire your hair. Every time you feel underqualified for a task, this month, remember this.


ATTENTION PLEASE: Being impulsive is not the same as being decisive. Just getting the decision over with is not the same as actually working out what you want. You know this is true. This month is going to be tough for you then soldier, because you are going to be confronted with a serious decision, the consequences of which will be ultimately irreversible. You are actually going to have to think long and hard about what you want. This means writing lists, consulting various people and going for long contemplative walks in hostile weather. Sounds terrible, hey? Sounds like a boring time. You really have to do it, though. It’s important.

Illustrations by Lauren Mitchell

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